How To Process the Hard Emotions When a New Wave of Grief Floods Your Heart

“Wow, it is beautiful!” I said to my sister as we gathered around in a circle by the pool in Palm Springs on New Years Eve. She had just passed out a belated Christmas gift to each of us. The sweet picture of dad on the remembrance ornament touched my heart.

Even though my sibling was sad that the ornaments did not arrive before Christmas, God’s timing for us to receive them turned out to be even more special.

You see, our family has a tradition of ringing in the New Year together in Palm Springs. My mom and dad started this yearly trek to the desert back when I was in junior high and high school. My kids have been going there since they were born, and they love time with their cousins and family.

Sadly, this was the first year without my dad.

Tears flooded our eyes as we shared stories about him around the pool. It was very therapeutic to talk about our dad and grandfather, a man who was a pivotal part of our family and truly so special to all of us!

What started with a gift turned into a tribute.

While we stood there in the rain under umbrellas, one of my sisters put a pool towel on the chair where my dad always soaked up the sun year after year.

A new wave of grief flooded my heart as I stared at the empty chair with the towel. It was another reminder that he was really gone. I miss you so much, Dad! As quickly as that thought entered my mind, my eyes welled up with tears.

I knew at that moment that I needed to sit in the pain more and let myself feel it all again.

With grief, the emotions need to move through us!

For so many of us, we don’t want to feel sadness, anger, or hurt, so we find ways to avoid them. But the feelings cannot be stuffed to the side or numbed by binge-watching TV or another escape route. They need to move through our bodies.

One way to do this is through a process called lament!  

You let all the feelings come to the surface. It can look like shouting in anger, “Why God? This is not what I wanted for my life.” Asking hard questions is important as you move through the pain.

It can also look like sobbing and sitting in the hurt crying out to God, “Please help me through this. Give me the strength to get out of bed and go to work. Or give me the wisdom to help my kids through this.”

Expressing our frustrations to God about our life circumstances is the first step.

I know some people like to walk and talk with God in nature. I personally like to write to Jesus in a journal and get it all out that way.

Tears flow down my face as the words flow out of me.

I also found it helpful to process it out loud with a counselor. Others like sharing in a support group. Perhaps you are an internal processor and would prefer to stay private and work through it in your head. All of these are good ways to deal with the difficult feelings.

The key is to allow yourself time to process the difficult emotions and truly grieve.

They need to be felt, expressed, and acknowledged. In my book, Depth: Growing Through Heartbreak to Strength, I wrote a chapter called Facing the Emotions that I would like to share with you. Here is a direct link to Chapter 5. I end that chapter with the following truth statement:

The only way to begin to heal is to allow yourself time to feel.

This is the first step of lament, and it is truly essential! After you have voiced how you are feeling, you can add a transition word (But or Yet) plus a promise from God.

This second step is equally important because it invites God into the story!

I am feeling alone and sad after the loss of my dad. But I know God, You are close to the brokenhearted (Psalms 34:18)

I don’t understand why I am walking through this hard circumstance. Yet I know God, You specialize in redeeming broken stories and bringing beauty to ashes. Even though I don’t understand, I will trust You and Your timing. (Isaiah 61:3)

When I speak and share my message, Hope for the Hurting Heart, I give examples from the Bible. David models this so well in the Psalms as he laments first and then adds a “But God” promise. Here is a favorite from Psalm 31:

In verse 9-10, David says “Have mercy on me , Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes.  My body and soul are withering away.  I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness.”

He continues in verse 12, “I am ignored as if I were dead as if I were a broken pot.” (I can definitely relate to the broken clay pot)

But he doesn’t stop there, listen to the shift as he say, But…. Verse 14: “But I am trusting you, O Lord saying You are my God. My future is in your hands.  Rescue me.”

Again, in verse 22: “But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help.”

Here is another one from Lamentations 3:21-23

“Yet, I still dare to hope when I remember this. The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”

Each of these examples in the Bible help me see the importance of lament.

Recently on the Depth Podcast, I interviewed Mark about his book, *Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy. I highly recommend listening if you want more guidance and help on lamenting. The author walks you through how to do it and gives even more examples from the Bible. This episode is one of my favorites! Click this link to listen: Depth Podcast Episode 219.

Friend, if you are in the middle of loss, I encourage you to try lamenting!

Pouring out your heart to God and inviting Him into the pain has been life changing for me. Grief can feel lonely, so who is better to walk with you through it than the Creator of the Universe. He is faithful to be there and wrap His loving arms around you!

God cares and wants to offer you comfort in the midst of your grief.

I would also like to be there for you, so please let me know how I can lift you up in prayer.

Cheering you on and just know, I am in the middle of this season of loss with you!

Love, Jodi

Now the ornament hangs on the special picture of dad and me from my wedding in my office. It is truly so beautiful! Love and miss you dad!