How To Let Go of Your Detailed Type A Plans and Trust God’s Way Is Good

Before motherhood, I considered myself Type A. During law school, I worked full time, maintained a full scholarship, and planned and executed my wedding. I planned an unmedicated birth when I found out I was pregnant. Nursing my child for at least a year would be the standard for me.

I was the type of person who accomplishes my plans. What could go wrong?

Lying in a hospital bed three weeks before my son was due, the doctor told me I’d have a c-section the following morning. I was devastated.

A c-section was not in my plan.

My sweet son arrived as cute as a button, but he wasn’t eating enough. After numerous blood sugar tests, they whisked him away to NICU and fed him formula – the audacity!

My baby wasn’t supposed to be formula fed! That was not my plan.

My plans were changing but not of my own volition.

Recovering from the c-section and the additional surgery that landed me in the hospital early made nursing that much harder. I couldn’t even get out of bed without help.

Being a first-time mom, I wasn’t sure if stabbing pain in my breasts was what seasoned mothers referred to as normal breastfeeding pain. During a labored phone call with a friend, huffing, puffing and moaning, she assured me it was not normal. If I couldn’t solely nurse, I could at least pump so my plan to feed my child breastmilk wouldn’t be hindered. I pumped and I pumped but I was still in pain. Not even specialists could give me a good reason for the excruciating pain.

My strength was crumbling.

Dozing for small stints, awakening to my son’s cries, attempting breastfeeding, trying to sleep again only to be awoken NOT by my son’s cries, but by an alarm to pump again was my life five months postpartum.

I was waking up in the middle of the night while my baby slept all because my plan didn’t involve formula.

As I lamented my situation to a dear friend, she asked, “Are you going to trust your breastmilk more than God?” A stab to my heart was simultaneously the permission to consider changing my plans and start leaning into God’s limitless strength. God’s power was bigger than whether my son got more breastmilk.

He would sustain me and my son. I could trust Him.

A specialist suggested a diet of no sugar or grains. I knew myself and I couldn’t cook like that while still pumping. Something had to give. I had to heal and my son had to eat. Wracked with sobs, I researched formulas and began solely bottle and formula feeding.

I was shattered. I felt I had failed him.

I mentally knew “fed is best” and God was bigger and would take care of my son but my emotions couldn’t catch up with my mental ascents. My heart still hurt.

During my second pregnancy, I begged God to give me a better nursing journey. At that time, tears would still well up every time I thought of how nursing went with my first. I even gave up grain and sugar towards the end of my pregnancy in hopes of warding off anything that may have contributed to the pain the first time around.

Praise God, He redeemed my story!

We had a few challenging months but eventually figured it out. It was such a blessing and much easier for me than pumping once we got the hang of it.

It took years before I could talk about not nursing my first son without crying. It still stings a little but God taught me a special empathy, in more ways than one. I tried an unmedicated birth again and ended up with a second c-section. I’m not sure why He redeemed the nursing but allowed a second c-section.

But I do know that moms who experience unplanned parts of the pregnancy and postpartum journey find in me a much more compassionate ear than before.

Previously, my Type A personality assumed people were doing it wrong if they didn’t nurse or have “natural” births but God allowed me to have a hard object lesson on those topics.

When I walk in strength my heart has a tendency towards callousness. When I walk through struggle, I’m reminded how desperately I need a Savior. All the strength I’ve gained is a gift from Him.

As His word promises, we grow through suffering. We all want growth, but the suffering often associated with it is not as welcome.

But isn’t it a kind God who transforms the suffering into good things for us and points to His glory? While I never would’ve guessed breastfeeding or the lack thereof would produce so much suffering and then so much joy, God uses everything to draw us nearer to Him and make us more like Him.

Kelli Marsh is a devoted homeschooling mom of two boys, thoughtfully guiding their education through a Christ-centered, classical approach rooted in the pursuit of truth, beauty, and goodness. She delights in meaningful conversation and time in nature, finds joy in mentoring first-year law students and supporting nonprofits through the Church Law Center of California, and is currently completing a forthcoming children’s book inspired by her desire to have young characters whose responses are worth imitating, with scripture woven throughout.