Full of good cheer and hope, I picked up the envelope with my blood test results from the receptionist. At home, I opened it immediately.
It was a table with some numbers written on it. Since I was not familiar with the values of the Anti-Müllerian hormone (AMH), I sat at the computer and searched online. I read and read, clicking link after link, but the information stayed the same.
Slowly, the realization hit me. I was trying to fight and push away the truth, but it kept staring at me from the paper.
I had one of the lowest possible scores, meaning that my ovarian reserve was depleted. No more eggs left. Infertile! No chance of getting pregnant.
I screamed. No, no, no! This can’t be true. A few months ago, I had an egg ready for insemination. It just could not be possible that all eggs were gone in just a few months! This had to be a mistake.
I couldn’t hold my tears. Why God, why?
Why did you let my eggs be depleted? Why did you give me hope only to crush it now? It was not fair. It was cruel.
I fell to the floor of our apartment, wailing hysterically. I had no more words, just the crushing pain and the shock that needed to find its way out. This was a death sentence, written in permanent ink on the paper.
My hopes of having a child of my flesh were dying in agony.
For so many years, I had nurtured these hopes.
Here I sat, my hands trembling, and my legs so weak, unable to move. Something even more terrible than the death of my hopes emerged.
For the first time, I began questioning God, His will, and His promises. No, it was not only that. Much more, I questioned my ability to hear God and to understand His word.
Maybe I was a victim of self-deception. Still, I was not able to search for and face the truth. Not now.
I wrestled with God and myself all that afternoon.
And at some point, I gave up. Even though I felt mistreated by Him, I could not help but turn to Him for comfort and strength. I needed to understand. I needed guidance on how to go on. I needed strength. And He was the source of all this.
In the late afternoon, I remembered something I had read in a devotional a while back. One sentence had made a great impression on me, so I had written it down and tucked it in my Bible.
It said: “Sometimes God brings us to a place where all hope is given up. This is a place of total dependence on Him so He can demonstrate that He is completely dependable.”
One option was that I truly give up; give up on Him, give up on me, and give up on my desire to have a child. This was an easy choice. My body and my weary soul, deeply disappointed and discouraged, were pulling me in this direction.
The other option was to answer God’s invitation and come to the place of total dependence on Him, and the way to go there was surrender.
I knew there was more to surrender. In the last couple of years, like a surgeon, God was gently opening layer after layer of my soul, exposing unhealed wounds and deep bruises I never thought were there.
God was healing them one by one, freeing me from heavy burdens.
Again, I faced the choice of trusting Him or doing it my way. This was an invitation to the unknown, to an uncharted land. This was risky and dangerous. I might lose a lot. I was already aware that this journey could involve danger, loss, grief, and suffering. However, there was also a gain: an enormous and far outweighing gain.
On the other side of my journey of surrender was healing, new strength, renewed hope and deeper intimacy with the Lord.
In my thoughts, I heard Him speaking. “Trust me! I am the only one who can satisfy your deepest longings and bring you to your place, where you belong. You need to let go of your ways, your expectations, your dreams, and your plans for your life. Surrender them to Me. Stop struggling. My thoughts and ways are so much higher. Trust Me! Trust my love, wisdom, and power.”
It was not possible to contain that heavy, suffocating load in my chest anymore. “I trust You!” I cried out with tears rolling uncontrollably down my cheeks. “Please show me that You are totally dependable!” He did.
I didn’t get a biological child, but a new me was born: stronger, healed, fruitful and resilient.
Adapted with permission from Hadassah Treu’s book, SATISFIED: Why Getting What We Want Is Not the Answer.
Hadassah Treu loves encouraging the broken-hearted to partner with God, so they can heal, endure and grow in the dark valleys of life. She is a certified human flourishing, post traumatic and spiritual growth coach, and an award-winning bilingual multi-published author. Her first
book, Draw Near: How Painful Experiences Become the Birthplace of Blessings, helps
believers find spiritual gain after seasons of loss.
In her new book, SATISFIED: Why Getting What We Want Is Not the Answer, she offers a language for grief, permission to wrestle, and a deeper vision of a fruitful life. Featured on over 100 faith-based platforms and podcasts like Her View from Home, The Upper Room, (In)courage, Living by Design, Proverbs 31 Ministries, COMPEL Pro Blog, she is a hope-bringing speaker and writer at onthewaybg.com, a Top 100 Faith Blog ranked by Feedspot in 2025 and 2026. Hadassah is a professional member of the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association (AWSA) and COMPEL Pro Training member, leader, and contributor.
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